Teen Angst-- Cracker

Setting: Sitting on my bed, facing the beautiful Wells Street

Song: A Stone, Okkervil River

February 14. Valentine's Day. The day that originated in honor of the Italian saint, Valentine. Apparently he was a priest in Rome. Wikipedia says that he was martyred? Who knows. Who really cares about the real St. Valentine on a day of love?

Through my years of grammar school and high school, February 14th was just a day 96 hours before my birthday. It was a day of filling out pre-made cards worrying that I will accidently give one of the 11 boys a card that suggested I liked them. It was a day of candy and maybe a movie in a couple of classes. I always felt like it was a made up holiday. This year has given me a new view on the 14th day of February. Maybe my new thought is a little more positive.

I walked down to the lobby of my dorm and saw a counter full of balloons, flowers, and gift baskets. As much as I knew none of them were for me, I was still kind of hoping. I don't know who I was hoping they were from. After the first time I walked by them I decided to give up any hope that I had any gift for me on that counter. I wasn't upset by any means that I didn't have a shipment considering there is no one that should be sending one. It's the thought of having someone to expect one from. 

The rest of my day was full of Panera eating with Annie and her parents, watching I'm Not There [the Bob Dylan movie] with Erin and Jose, working on some homework at a really cool cafe, watching The Notebook with Erin and Jose [am I in a relationship with them?] going to a bar for a little bit, then watching The Little Mermaid. 

After I watched I'm Not There I wasn't in the mood to go to a basketball game. I was kind of in the mood to be by myself. I walked about a mile and a half to go to the cool cafe. I walked there listening to Bob Dylan and thinking about the beautiful weather. Since the cafe is downtown, I was able to see some of the couples going out to their nice dinners. So excited to be with their loved ones. I got to the cafe and I got a couch by the window where I continued to listen to my iPod and read about meiosis. It was a nice little date with myself. I got things accomplished and I was able to do some great people watching. I saw one couple that I know from Marquette. I saw a whole family out. I saw some couples taking horse and buggy rides, even though it wasn't ideal weather for it. And I also saw people just walking by themselves to some unknown destinations. When I was done with meiosis, I packed up and headed out of Mocha.

I was doing some thinking on this 'made up holiday' and I've come to the conclusion that, although not many people even know why St. Valentine's Day is celebrated with flowers, I'm okay with it. Although I have no one to send me flowers, that doesn't mean other people can't enjoy the flowers the receive! The day is another day for every to celebrate their love for other people. It's not a day to rub it in single people's faces that they don't have a significant other. It is just one more reason for couples to be together. 

I'm sure if I were in a relationship I wouldn't even care for the flowers, but since I'm not I want them. You always want what you can't have.  

Love On the Outside--BBMak

Setting: sitting on my bed

song: Somewhere Only We Know, Keane

[I really suggest you listen to it right now]

1. I am doing this because I am too proud to post this note on Facebook.

2. When I am at school I refer to Chicago as 'home'. But when I am in Chicago, I refer to school as 'home'.

3. I didn't really understand unconditional love until Grace was born.

4. Just like the Flaming Lips say, happiness makes me cry.

5. I love sneezing. 

6. I will pretty much be friends with anyone who wants to be my friend. 

7. It is unattractive when guys swear too much. Even more unattractive when girls swear a lot. 

8. The smell of a banana is starting to bother me less.... but I still don't like it.

9. As much as I love her, a big fear of mine is that I will end up like my mother. 

10. I do not get mad at people often because I feel like everyone makes mistakes and there was a reason why they made a mistake. If it directly affects me, then I trust that they did not do it to purposely hurt me. 

11. I don't like when a lot of attention from people I don't know is on me. I get really nervous and turn red and sweat. Therefore, it makes me nervous when other people [even people I don't know] have a lot of attention on them.

12. I used to wonder if my life was like "The Truman Show" and everyone was a hired actor.

13. I appreciate talent. It sounds so dumb, but little things like a great rally in volleyball, an amazing dance move, a really well sung note, beautiful lyrics, or a perfectly taken picture will give me the chills or make my eyes water.

14. I fall for guys just as easily as the next person, maybe fall harder, but I don't like talking about it to other people. 

15. I'm probably the best Facebooker around, this title was designated by Kevin Flannery.

16. When I meet a new group of people I will maybe be the shyest person ever. But if I meet the same group of people with two of my best friends then I feel completely comfortable. This comes from the shyness I never fully shed from my childhood.

17. Out of all my friends- from Marquette, Ignatius, the neighborhood, etc- no two are a like. And I am not like any of them. It amazes me that friendliness and compassion is enough for the foundation of a great friendship. 

18. I love traveling by myself when I leave Milwaukee. I think the feeling of independence gives me a sense of strength. When I am at home I am never allowed to do anything by myself. Walking, busing, and training by myself with just my iPod gives me time to do anything. Usually this time is occupied by bopping my head and walking in rhythm to the music I am listening to. I am allowed to act however I want because, chances are, I will never see the people who I am crossing paths with. 

19. I don't judge people because everyone is messed up and everyone has a different response to their messed up lives.

20. I'm awful at doodling, so I write song lyrics when I am bored in class.

21. I really do enjoy wearing make up now. I wish I was better at putting it on. I really hate taking it off.

22. Confidence will change anyone's outlook on life. And don't get confidence confused with arrogance.

23. I like giving advice, but I only like people very close to me give me advice.

24. I don't like following trends. A favorite quote of mine that I found recently is from Carrot by Panda Bear 'get your head out from those mags and websites who try to shape your style. take a risk just for yourself and wade into the deep end of the ocean'. 

25. Without being over-emotional, I wish I could be more open with my feelings. 

Okay, considering there are four people at most reading this [and those people already know me well] I tried thinking of things that even you didn't know. I hope I succeeded. 

Riga Girls, The Weepies

Setting: sitting in my hall outside of my room

Song: Thin Line, Jurassic 5

This song is the influence of this post. The lyrics go "we've been friends for a long time, a very close friend of mine. Love you like you was mine, but respect the thin line. I love you like you was mine, think about you all the time very close friend of mine, but respect the thin line" So this song is about the line between friendships and relationships. 

In a previous post, I talked about throwing myself out there to make random friends. Today, it happened. I was walking to my English class. When I walk to class alone I usually listen to music. Today I decided not to listen to my iPod. I was waiting to cross the busy Wisconsin Avenue with about 8 other students. There was a moment when I could either ignore the "Don't Walk Signal" and run across the street, or I could wait for the Walk sign to change. I decided to be patient because my class didn't start for another 6 minutes. I saw this overweight man in pants that were too tight run across the street. Then he kept running down 16th Street. I realized it was my English teacher. I laughed to myself and realized I wasn't laughing alone. This guy next to me was laughing, too. I asked if he was in my English class and he said he was. Then I asked his name. "Oliver" he responded. And I told him that I am Tara. Then we continued to talk about the only thing that we know we have in common- English class. We talked about how awkward our teacher is and how he's so enthusiastic but our class doesn't really care about anything he is saying. We got to class and parted ways to our normal seats.

During class Mr. Hackbarth continued to be his awkward self, and Oliver and I shot glances across the room smiling because it was exactly what we talked about. At the end of class, I saw Oliver kind of hesitating to see if I was going to walk out with him. However, I usually walk out with my friend Rich [Daniels] and my friend Ben. So I decided I'm a fan of this Oliver kid. He's pretty cute, and we both struck up conversation out of nowhere. I decided I want to be friends with him! Being Tara, I went on Facebook and looked him up. Then I saw he had a girlfriend...why did I feel a little let down??

Maybe it is because I haven't really found any guys I am interested in yet. Maybe it is because I kind of miss the feeling of liking someone. Maybe because I cannot have him because he already has a girlfriend.

The direction I am heading right now is kind of ironic. I've heard so many times, "Can a guy and a girl be best friends without one having feelings for the other?" The fact that I am thinking about this is kind of ironic. If anyone knows anything about me it is that my best guy friends are on the same level my best girl friends. Just like the girls, I can go to each of my guys to talk about different subjects. I love them as my best friend. So, I find it ironic that I am considering this question at all. I am in no way suggesting that I have feelings for my guy friends or vis versa. But has either one of us subconsciously had feelings for the other? Or have we ignored these feelings? Or have we embraced them but been shot down?

In a friendship, if one has feelings for the other it is more difficult than any other situation to take the risk and tell his/her best friend. The fear of losing the friendship is most often the reason for not taking the risk. Now I wonder, do we become friends with these people because of our feelings or do we have these feelings because we are good friends. It is like asking which came first- the chicken or the egg. And what good comes of it when you realize what came first. 

Since coming to college, I have not really found a best guy friend that I am used to having. Was it because I was still in such contact with Jack, so it felt like I didn't need it? Am I looking for a best guy friend here because I am completely single now? Is it true that a guy and a girl cannot be friends without one thinking they have feelings for the other? And at what point do they realize that we are best left at friends?

Writing this has not helped me come to a conclusion, but I have concluded that the reason I was almost turned off by Oliver having a girlfriend is because it is more difficult to get close to a guy when he has a girlfriend. 

I hope I coincidentally run into him soon.

Setting: lying in my bed

Song: Lit Up, The National

Note: It is obvious what influenced the topic of this specific post but know that I am not specifically talking about the person who influenced it. It is going to be a generic idea that [I think] happens to everyone. 

Today was the first time I really wanted to talk to Jack. However, it was not to confront him about his cowardly ways. We had this habit of stalking people together. Sometimes we were together, stalking from the same computer. But at college maybe we would be on the phone stalking from separate computers. Or it would be me, updating him on things I found. There were certain people that we would always check up on. Today, something big happened on one of our prime profiles and I had no one to tell who would appreciate it! Because we, apparently, don't talk anymore, I resort to other people who I know are avid facebookers as well. One of my go-to's is Jack's best friend who I was never good friends with, but whateva we have facebook to bring us together. 

So my topic today was brought to my attention in 8th grade by a little artist by the name of Stacie Orrico. She sang 'I hate you but I love you I can't stop thinking of you. It's true, I'm stuck on you'. Colleen and I loved this song. Why? Because it happens so often. You start liking someone, and you get so used to liking them that you're 'stuck' on them. You almost forget what life was like before you were stuck on them. It doesn't even have to be a result of a relationship. In fact, sometimes the worst 'stuck' situations are when the line between friend and more than friend has never been crossed. What ever position you are in, it is an awful situation. Suddenly this person is consuming all of your thoughts. You listen to a song and somehow it relates to this person. You hear the person's name and your heart sinks, even when it isn't in reference to the person you are stuck on. You go on facebook and they are on. You think of a thousand things to text him/her throughout the day but you don't want to come across as over-bearing. And lastly, the worst of all, the time before you go to bed when all you can do is think of situations or conversations that will never happen. Lying in your bed wondering, hoping they are in the same position as you are in right now. 

On a different level, the song 'Lucky You' by The National comes to my mind. For a long time I kept singing "you want me, lucky you". Then I looked up the lyrics and found that the real meaning of the song is much different from what I thought. The song goes:

"Every time you get a drink

and every time you go to sleep

are those dreams inside your head is there sunlight on your bed

and everytime you're driving home

way outside your safety zone wherever you will ever be 

you're never getting rid of me

you own me

there's nothing you can do 

you own me

[and the last four lines go]

But no one's in your head

Cause you're too smart to remember

You're too smart

Lucky you"

I'll let you interpret these lyrics. I suggest you look it up on youtube right now.

For the times when you feel like Stacie Orrico remember that everyone feels like you.

Lucky you, you are not alone.

Unless It Kick-- Okkervil River

Setting: my desk

Song: If I Were A Boy, Beyonce

Have you ever had those people who you just want to be friends with? I'm sure I've already told you this, because I don't keep it a secret. My good friend, Kevin, has a good friend here. Mike and Kevin are very similar which makes me really want to hang out with him! However, every time we are close to hanging out, one of us freaks and doesn't want to take the initiative. 

That gets me thinking... are there people out there who just want to be my friend? And what is holding them back from initiating a friendship with me? I know I do this with a lot of people. There is a kid that we played a pick-up game of basketball with and we were very good together. I haven't seen him since, but I really want to be his friend. Sometimes I'll see someone on the street with a cool pair of pants, right away I want to know the person. It's not limited to good at basketball and a cool pair of pants. A certain way people walk, or the way someone is listening to music while walking to class, what someone contributes in class, a work out someone is doing at the gym...all these things interest me! And because I recognize it, why do I not act on it? 

Is it weird just to strike up a conversation? I love when people do that with me but for some reason I am not the best at initiating a conversation with a stranger. I really enjoy it when people do it to me but I get worried that the person I try to talk to will not find it as enjoying or interesting. 

So how many people that I pass on the street wish they were my friend? Why can friendliness come off as bold? Maybe we are all afraid that our friendship will be denied. If that is the worst thing that can happen then I think it is worth the risk. When the person is still a stranger, it still isn't like you are losing a friend. So maybe if we all weren't afraid of friendliness our lives would be much different. Maybe it would lead us to take greater risks than just talking to a stranger. 

I guess my new goal will to be throw myself out there a little more. I'm figuring if I feel this way almost everyone else does as well.

Weird-- by Menomena

What I like to do when I journal or write long emails (usually messages to Nora) or I guess blog now, is write my setting and the current song on my iPod. This lets you know what is influencing my thoughts- if anything is. 

Setting: my desk at schoolio

Song: Oh Comely, Neutral Milk Hotel

Since the last week and a half of Christmas break I have been in a very nostalgic mood. I think being around my best friends less than my school friends really makes me appreciate the people that are in my life. I took an undocumented oath to myself around the middle of junior year that I would only surround myself with good, wholesome people. Granted, who purposely makes friends with bad people? Crazy enough, people do it and then they wonder why they are unhappy in life. At Marquette I've found a good group of people who care for thing other than getting wasted on weekends. In fact, we rarely get wasted. We'll drink, we'll get drunk but I haven't had one of my infamous black out nights since I've been here. [Thank God] And when I try to explain these black outs to my friends here they cannot even comprehend me acting in such a way. Which is great.

What is different about my best friends and my new friends does not lie in our behavior. Both groups are fun-loving but not over the top. Both are caring and genuine people. The difference is history. When I tell a crazy story to my school friends about home or my best friends, I am forced to tell three other stories to explain why something happens or doesn't happen. With my best friends, there never needs to be a background story. They have lived the background story. They are the background story. We are each other's history, and that is something that our new friends will never be able to comprehend. They know because they have their own best friends, but I feel like it is something that they will never be able to grasp. It's this realization that makes me nostalgic. How can I not be with such great people in my life that are not a couple blocks away from me anymore? As sentimental as I have been, I am very glad that we all chose our own colleges based on our own personalities and needs. Although not everyone is happy where they are, it makes it that much better to go home. It makes me appreciate the real love I have for my best friends. 

What has been interesting here is, because people don't know my history, they do not fully understand me. Like I am a mystery to them. It took three months for the guys I hang out with to know that I play basketball. No one knows the music I listen to. My clothes don't exactly makes sense to them. A new friend named Martin is from Ohio. I just started spending some time with him because of a great friend named Stephanie. I was wearing my proud 'Southside til I die' sweatshirt when he called me "Scrappy". The day before he, let me remind you he is from Ohio, made the mistake of telling me that Wrigley is in a better location. Sweet Martin. Just because you don't have any memories in Bridgeport at the lovely Comiskey Park, does not mean you can tell me something like this. So yesterday he gives me three reasons as to why I am scrappy "a. her father owns hockey season tickets b. she is wearing a David Bowie t-shirt c. she is a White Sox fan'. Alright Martin, I'll take it. I actually enjoy his three reasons. Little does he know that he still has a lot to learn about me. But he's on his way. 

So, is this how everyone feels? I hope so. That makes everyone lucky to have great people in their lives. Finally, when do our school friends become best friends? I am looking forward to this moment. One can never have too many best friends.

I decided the title of each post will be the last song I listen to while writing.